Stop Arsene Around
	Let's kick off the week with an obscure reference: Arsenal reminded me of Gail Porter's arse being flashed on to the Houses of Parliament all those years ago. It was nice to look at, but there was no substance to it. As easy on the eye as it was, try to evade security, go up to the projection and lick it - you'll get nothing but a gobful of brick. Trust me, I know. Mmm … Gail Porter's brick arse …… mmmmmmm. The good news for Arsene Wenger is that you're only a Joseph Yobo foot away from getting out of a crisis. Liverpool's win over Everton had more to do with Jo's Gary Neville-esque lack of understanding of the offside rule than any great renaissance, but it's now two wins in a row and it's time berate someone else remorselessly. Oh of course Liverpool still have more problems than an only child from a broken home, but this is not the time or the place for well constructed critique. It's time for knee-jerk reactions, now we declare Rafa Benitez is a genius and Arsene Wenger is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing. All the horse placenta in the world won't help Robin Van Persie and he'll be out for a few months. All of a sudden the bit part players have to put their money where their fantastic Carling Cup performances are and it's just not happening. Plus Wenger persists with Manuel Almunia, who managed the remarkable achievement of being on the right side of the goal for Didier Drogba's free-kick, yet was miles away from the eventual shot. Even at full strength they may not have coped with Chelsea. In that form, Drogba and Anelka would have been a too much for a Bobby Moore/The Incredible Hulk hybrid. They showed the strength and the touch to runs rings around most defences, but Sunday may not be the worst of it for Arsene. A Martin Taylor challenge here, a nondescript Tomas Rosicky injury there and suddenly the squad looks threadbare and comprised of these youngsters with potential that aren't quite right for the here and now. He's had the cash apparently but hasn't strengthened the squad to the level required for a sustained league challenge. Arsene is a genius, but at what point is it time to win something?	Andriy Voronin: crap striker, great arse
	More Arse Flashing Related Football Bit
	Nacho Novo is accused of doing a Joey Barton. Hmmm … that could mean a lot of things – some more likely to end up in a custodial sentence than others - so I'd better clarify before I've got Ally McBeal from the lawyer department on my case. Novo is accused of flashing his arse at the Aberdeen supporters after Rangers lost. "I just did it for the crack," I'd like him to have said.
	Who could accuse the FAI of never having a plan? After Thierry Henry robbed them of the chance to win on penalties, they're going to put a compelling and concise case to FIFA as to why they should be allowed into the World Cup. Either that or they'll throw themselves onto the ground and throw a hissy fit until they get their way, which is how it's shaping up.
	Bayern Munich dismiss rumours linking them to rubbish. Oh sorry my bad - that should have read Bayern Munich rubbish rumours linking them to Ryan Babel. Whatever way you phrase, it doesn't sound like they want him.
	There's Actually Quite A Bit Of Other News Bit
	The only reason that Mrs. Woods came running out of her house wielding a golf club was to free her husband from the wreckage of his crashed car. Not to wrap it around his neck after telling her something she didn't want to hear. Definitely not. And the statement from Tiger neatly wraps up the whole incident without the need for asking any more awkward questions about his private life. So stop asking awkward questions. Like isn't it lucky she happened to be running out of the house with a golf just at the right moment? Padraig Harrington has had a crash all of his own. Only depending on how much you love money it's not as bad/worse than the type Tiger experienced. Pod says his investments have taken at hit, but not by as much as the newspapers reported. "The greatest plus for somebody like me compared to someone on the street is that I have an earnings potential going forward," Harrington said, which isn't the most humble thing he's ever come out with. So man on the street, learn how to be a really lame actor and maybe one day Flora will throw loads of money at you to pretend it's nicer than actual butter. F*ck the cholesterol, I'm immortal.
	Denman puts in a remarkable performance to win the Hennessy. The only way he could lug more weight around is if Dawn French takes out a jockey licence.
	Warren Gatland thinks that Gavin Henson returning to the Wales squad would be 'fantastic', which tells you pretty much all you need to know about how bad things are for them at the moment. By beating the World Champions, Ireland go through 2009 undefeated which sets them up nicely for a couple of years worth of progress before a spectacular failure at the next World Cup. Scotland return to their level by losing at home to an under-strength Argentina and the All Blacks ride French sideways [that's not a phrase they actually use in the match reports] to debunk the myth of Marseille being a fortress.