Umpire (think of a French accent cos they're nearly always French): Game Mr. Nadal. Ze score is 6-0, 6-0, 5-0.
Me: Challenge
Umpire: Mr. Cartoon Vampire, how can you ask for ze challenge? That ball was clearly owt. You nearly took Cliff Richards' head off in ze Royal Box. Well done by ze way.
Me: Yeah, I know. I was just challenging because Rafa keeps sticking his fingers up is arse to fish out that thong. Then he's grabbing the tennis balls and I've to handle them later. It's really putting me off. And what's the feckin story with all that grunting? Is he getting the ride on the other side of that net?
Umpire: Hmmm … all good points, but I can't do anything about it.
Me: Fine, but I'm not doing the end of match handshake until he washes his hands.
Yesterday, news broke that the FAI had asked FIFA to be allowed into the World Cup as the thirty third team. Sepp Blatter and his cronies had a good chuckle, but does he realise how difficult it is for an Irishman to ask for something like that? It's nothing to do with pride, it's just as a nation, we're not very good at saying turty-turd. Any mention of the words ‘tree', ‘turteen' and any discussions about Naked Gun Thurty Tree And A Turd normally lead to uproarious laughter before the matter gets discussed. Sepp didn't reject the appeal out of hand, but that's probably just because he thinks he can get a bigger laugh out of it at the EGM on Wednesday.
The whole incident is a little cringe-worthy. Like your mum rocking up to school to give out to bullies and get your 2Unlimited No Limits (Radio Edit) cassette back. We all know an injustice has been done, but as it stands, we have to suck it up and get on with it. It's not much consolation, but the knowledge that the handball will ultimately lead something good like goal-line officials, television replays or the castration of Thierry Henry is our only comfort.
The challenge system in tennis - as beautifully illustrated above - may be one avenue of exploring whilst the red flag system of the NFL does more than tell you if it's safe to swim in the water, it also swiftly clarifies contentious decisions in most cases. Although undoubtedly desperate, the move wasn't as desperate it seemed yesterday. A statement issued by the FAI claims admission as the 33rd team was only one matter of several discussed with Shitebag Blatter. However, having been leaked a copy of the agenda, I can confirm it was the main point discussed.
"Ha, ha! Turty Tree Teems! Say it again, Paddy."
Blatter being the supreme diplomat once again.
Meanwhile, here's some ethically dubious footage of Rachel Uchitel, the woman who definitely hasn't been having an affair with Tiger, not saying anything in response to in-depth questions like “sucks having to wait for your luggage, doesn't it?" and “do you enjoy being a home-wrecker?"